White Winter Hymnal
by allhailthehutch
Summary: Katniss comes home for Christmas and must face a ghost from her past


The snow crunches beneath my feet as I make my way up the driveway of my childhood home. It's been almost ten years since I've been here, but when Prim begged me to spend one last Christmas in Panem, I couldn't tell her no. My mom finally decided to sell the house she shared so many memories with my father in. I notice the twinkling lights and wonder if Gale put them up. Drawing in a deep breath of the frigid cold air, I open the door. The house smells like I remember, fresh pine and laundry detergent. Prim is sitting at the kitchen table, stacks of Christmas cards in front of her. "Katniss!" she squeals, jumping out of her seat and right into my arms.

My baby sister is no longer a baby but a beautiful young woman. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes when she squeezes me tightly. It's not that we haven't seen each other since I've left home, but this is different. I never planned on coming back _here_. "I didn't think you were going to be home yet," I say, tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"I finished my finals yesterday," she tells me, taking my hand and leading me into the kitchen. "Mom is working late tonight, but you'll see her in the morning. I'm just so excited you're here! Gale and Madge are going to be so happy."

When my best friend married my other best friend I was shocked. It wasn't that I was jealous. I just didn't think they were really serious. So much has changed since I've been gone that I can barely keep up. "Oh, are they coming over?"

"Yes, and guess what? Madge is pregnant!" Prim beams. "It's the cutest thing. We all miss you so much, Katniss. You should come visit more."

I couldn't stay in this town after my dad died. I finished up high school and left as soon as I could. Luckily, I had a lot of money saved up. Every single thing reminded me of him. Plus, the thought of seeing _him_ around only made the desire to leaving that much more appealing. "I miss you guys," I say softly, looking down at my feet. The guilt I feel over leaving my sister consumes me daily, but I had to take care of myself. There's one person my sister hasn't mentioned, and I know it's for a reason, but I have to know what he's been up to. "So, is Peeta still living in town?"

Prim's eyes widen suddenly, and I'm sure she's just as surprised as I am that I actually care about Peeta Mellark. His name leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but the last time I saw him he was recovering in the hospital. "Peeta's…he's actually teaching Kindergarten now, and he's in charge of the Christmas play this year. I volunteered to make the costumes. Well, Delly kinda forced me to help…"

"How can you help him?" I hiss, gripping the edge of the table tightly. "He's–I can't believe you!"

She shakes her head, sighing loudly. I prepare myself for the lecture that's going to come. "It's been ten years Katniss, and you know what happened wasn't his fault. Daddy got out of the car to help him after the accident. You know how bad of shape Peeta was in. Having his leg amputated changed his whole life."

I interrupt her. "Yeah, and our father dying changed mine."

I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was Christmas Eve. Dad had to run out and grab a few things we needed for dinner. The trip was only supposed to take a matter of minutes, but when hours passed and we couldn't get through to him, I knew deep down that something was really wrong. It was a series of bad events that ended up taking my father's life. Apparently, he saw Peeta's car flipped upside down in some ditch, and he got out of the car to help, but then another car was driving along and skidded on black ice, running right into my father and killing him instantly. If he wouldn't have stopped to help Peeta then none of those events would have taken place. He would still be alive.

"Peeta visits us a lot, Katniss," she tells me. "He still feels guilty about what happened, but it wasn't his fault. You can't–you can't hate him forever. Daddy knew what he was doing."

I'm so unbelievably angry that I stand up from the table and head toward my bedroom. The last thing I want to do is hear about Peeta Mellark, the stupid boy responsible for my father's death. I found out later that the reason Peeta swerved off the road was because there was a dog running across the street. I throw myself down on the bed, huffing loudly. Somehow, I'm going to make it through this week without having to see Peeta.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to hide away in my room for very long. Gale and Madge arrive, and Prim practically forces me downstairs. When Gale sees me, he immediately wraps me up in his arms. It feels good to be with my friends.

Madge smiles, rubbing her growing stomach. "I still can't believe you're pregnant," I say, hugging her.

"I can't believe it either," she giggles. "It's so good to see you. We all miss you so much."

My eyes wander over to Gale, who is watching Madge with a loving expression. "How long are you planning on staying, Catnip?" he asks.

"I'll probably go back after New Year's," I say with a shrug. "There's so much stuff that needs to be done around here."

Prim snorts out a laugh. "Mom can't throw anything away. It's going to be such a pain in the ass."

We all hang around the kitchen for a few hours, talking about what's changed over the past ten years. Luckily, there's been no talk about Peeta, but I know that they haven't all avoided him since I've been gone. We were once all really good friends. "Are you still working on the costumes, Prim?" Madge asks.

My little sister glances at me before answering. "Yep. I just have to go make sure they all fit. Peeta's really stressing out about it."

"I know! Delly should have known better than to ask him to do this," Madge tells her. "I keep telling him it's a kids play, but you know how Peeta gets."

I slam my drink down with a loud clunk. "Are we gonna talk about Peeta all fucking night?"

"Katniss, please don't do this," Prim begs, tears filling her eyes.

I shake my head, feeling completely betrayed by some of the people I love most. They know how I feel about Peeta, but they made friends with him while I was gone. It makes me wonder what else has changed and how much I've missed.

Maybe it was a mistake coming home.

* * *

Word spreads pretty fast in a small town. It only took a day before everyone knew that I was back. I can feel their eyes on me as I wander through the grocery store, trying to find all the ingredients to help Prim make these stupid cookies for the church bake sale. I turn down the baking aisle when I spot him. His blonde curls are tucked underneath a stupid green beanie, and I know it's him.

It's Peeta.

Anger bubbles deep down in my gut, but I'm frozen. He's throwing a bunch of different ingredients in the shopping cart. I expected him to look like some monster, but he's the same Peeta I remember from high school. My old friend. He turns and spots me, a surprised expression dancing on his face. "Katniss?"

At the sound of his deep voice, I take off in a run out of the store and straight toward my car. "Shit," I mumble, searching my purse for my keys.

"You dropped these." Peeta. I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to see him, but I can't exactly leave without my keys. He's looking at me with blue eyes and a deep frown. I snatch the keys from his hand. "It's been a long time," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "Prim mentioned that you were coming, but I didn't believe it."

"Well, here I am," I say through gritted teeth. "I need to get going."

Peeta sighs, which only pisses me off more. He has no right to get frustrated with me. "Katniss, we used to be friends."

Tears burn my eyes. I've cried more times in the past twenty-four hours than I have in ten years. I hate this stupid, pathetic town. "We were friends a long time ago, Peeta. It's not the same anymore. I can't do this–"

"I was on my way to see you that night," he blurts out. "You didn't come to school on the last day before break, and I wanted make sure you got your present for Christmas."

I'm not sure if his words are meant to comfort me. The memories of police, funeral homes, and my father's body lying in a casket all come flooding back to me. "That doesn't change anything," I tell him. I don't give Peeta a chance to answer before I'm speeding out of the parking lot and far away from him.

* * *

Prim senses my foul mood immediately, but I don't give her a chance to pry. I walk right past her and my mom, not wanting to relive those few moments with Peeta. After the accident, he didn't come back to school. I didn't have to be reminded of what I lost, until the day of graduation when I saw him. He was in a wheelchair. Our eyes locked for a split second, and I could tell that he wanted to talk to me, but I ran before he had a chance. I couldn't imagine living in this town with him. The idea of running into him was too overwhelming. My mom cried when I told her, but I think she understood why I needed to move away.

Now I'm back, and Peeta seems to be everywhere. I can't even walk into a fucking grocery store without seeing him. There's a knock on my door, and then Prim peeks her head inside my room. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course," I say. Prim comes into my room, sighing loudly. "Okay, this can't be good."

She plops down on my bed. "Listen, Finnick and Annie are having their Christmas party tonight," she tells me. I smile immediately. I haven't seen Finnick since high school. We weren't close, but we had a few classes together. He was always loved by the ladies, but he only had eyes for one girl. Annie. "They really want you to come…"

"Peeta's going to be there," I say, clenching my fist. Of course he will be there. Everyone seems to have forgotten what happened. What he did. "You can't expect me to go. That's absolutely insane."

"I do expect you to go!" she yells, standing up from her spot on my bed. "You can't keep doing this, Katniss. It's not fair to anyone. Peeta didn't kill Daddy. It was an accident. A terrible accident, but it wasn't Peeta's fault. All your friends want to see you, but you're being so stubborn about this. Peeta's sorry. He's been sorry. You just haven't been around to see what he's done to make up for what happened. I'm not asking you to be his friend, but I am asking you to come to this party."

"Why are you doing this?" I ask softly.

She blinks, tears cascading down her face. "Because I love you. Because you need to move on. Because this isn't what Daddy would have wanted for you."

Her words cut through me like a jagged knife, opening every wound that I thought had finally closed. My father was my hero. Losing him destroyed me. I won't promise her anything, but I will try. It's not for Peeta. It's not for my friends. It's for Prim and my dad. "It hurts to even see his face."

"I know," she says, squeezing my hand. "I'm sure Peeta feels the same way. He blames himself just as much as you blame him. I'm not saying you need to forgive him, but maybe you could just talk to him. He always cared about you so much, Katniss."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

She sighs, shaking her head. It's like she knows some secret that I haven't been clued in on yet. "Everyone knew that Peeta was hopelessly in love with you. I think you were the only one who couldn't see it."

Peeta's words from earlier in the day come back to me. He was bringing me a gift. Taking time away from his family to come see me. My stomach churns. "I don't understand," I whisper. It's more to myself for than to Prim, but she answers anyway.

"You needed to know the truth," she says. "I didn't tell you to change your mind about him, but he loved you. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a part of him that will always love you."

* * *

I don't like Christmas parties in general, but the fact that Peeta will be at this party only makes the idea of it even worse. I promised Prim that I would put on a smile. I've been standing in the corner of Finnick and Annie's house for the last half hour, and so far there's been no sign of Peeta.

"Why are you lurking?" Finnick asks. "Parties are supposed to be fun, Katniss."

I shrug, taking a sip of my drink. "I don't really do parties," I tell him. "Thanks for inviting me though."

He barks out a laugh, slinging his arm over my shoulder. "I haven't seen you in ten years. What have you been up to?"

"Just working a lot," I say. "There isn't much time in my life for parties and fun. It's not like high school."

Finnick nods. "Speaking of high school, have you talked to Peeta?"

I should have known the question was coming, but still I'm caught off guard. "I ran into him at Super Fresh. It was awkward."

"You guys were good friends. I think it's time you talk to him," he says before taking a sip of beer. "Honestly, you've both been through hell and back. I know you're still upset, but maybe you guys can talk it out and everything will be good again."

I consider what Finnick is suggesting, but I'm still unsure of how I feel about Peeta. Everyone tells me what I should do and how I should feel, but they fail to consider how deep my hurt goes.

"I don't know," I say softly. "You make it sound easy."

He sighs loudly before answering. "I never said it was going to be easy, but I know it's going to be worth it."

* * *

I first catch his eye after a couple of drinks. His thick curls aren't covered by some beanie tonight. They are wild and free, kind of how he use to wear it in high school. He's chatting with Madge, who easily laughs at something he says. The anger begins to consume me, but I remember what I promised Prim. Peeta glances over at me again, and I don't look away.

He whispers something to Madge and then proceeds to make his way over to me. I clutch my drink tightly in my hand, preparing for this encounter that I don't want to have. Peeta's facial expression is unreadable. Honestly, he just looks intense.

"Hey, it's really good to see you here," he says politely. "I wasn't expecting–"

"Is that really why you came over here?" I interrupt.

He laughs softly, looking down at the ground. "I guess not, but I needed an icebreaker." Peeta was always so easy to talk to. We never ran out of things to say, but now I can't even look him in the eye. "Katniss, there's a million things I want to say right now," he tells me, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Do you think we could talk somewhere more private?"

This is already hard enough, and now he wants to talk alone. I'm not sure I can handle this. "I guess so," I say, shrugging my shoulders lamely.

Peeta leads the way outside, where the cold air hits me right in the face. This wasn't what I had in mind when he said somewhere private, but the sooner we talk, the sooner I can go home and move on with my life.

"So, I guess you hate me, huh?" he asks. There's a hint of a sad smile on his face, but I'm too pissed off to even feel bad about it.

"I thought I hated you," I tell him honestly. "You were the last person my father was with when be died. He's dead because he saved your life. Your family got to go on living, but mine…we had nothing."

The words flow from my mouth easily. I guess I've been holding in these feelings for so long. "Why did you even risk driving to see me anyway?"

"You know why," he whispers. "Don't act like you don't."

"I don't!" I yell, anger boiling in my blood. "I don't know why you were so stupid and drove in that shitty weather just to come see me."

Deep down I know what he's going to say, and that terrifies me. I press my eyes shut, letting the tears fall down my cheeks in fat droplets.

"I was in love with you. I couldn't wait to tell you anymore, and I had planned on giving you this present, but you didn't come to school, and I wasn't going to miss my chance. In the end, it didn't matter. I lost my chance. You hate me. You'll never see me differently. I will always be the stupid kid that crashed his car. All I know is that if your dad didn't stop, I would have bled to death."

"You can't just say things like that," I cry, wiping my eyes. "It's been ten years. I want to move on with my life. You can't say that you used to be in love with me. That's not fair."

Peeta takes a step forward, and I can smell the cinnamon and dill. A familiar scent that I'll never forget. "I didn't want to upset you. I just wanted you to know the truth. I missed you a lot, Katniss."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," he says shrugging. "I'm gonna be at the church tomorrow rehearsing with all the kids for the Christmas play. You should stop by."

* * *

My dreams are filled with visions of Peeta, my dad, and snowy winter nights. I wake up with a massive headache, wondering if it's from the alcohol or the conversation I had with Peeta. I thought that talking with him would help make me feel better, but it ended up making me even more confused. Peeta loved me. He was in love with me.

I programmed myself to hate him for years, but being with him again, it reminds me of why we were friends in the first place. I can see the guilt he carries. It's written all over his face. Last night I noticed this tiny scar right above his left eyebrow. Another reminder of the accident. The accident that kept me from coming home for ten years.

Maybe that's why I'm standing outside in the freezing cold, debating on whether or not I should go inside the church. I didn't tell Prim I was coming here. I didn't tell anyone actually. I shouldn't be here, but I keep thinking about Peeta's scar, and I have to see him again.

I open the doors, preparing myself for my next encounter. I'm faced with a dozen or so kindergarteners, standing on a decorated stage, singing loudly and off-key. I spot Peeta in the front row, encouraging his students with loud applause. "Mr. Mellark, someone is watching!"

I cringe. He turns, smiling when he sees me. "That's just Katniss. She's an old friend. I told her about how great you guys are, and she wanted to see you."

"Hey guys," I say, making my way to the front of the church. "I think you sound amazing!"

They all smile at me. I can tell that my compliment means the world to them. Peeta also smiles. I can't believe I'm here. "Guys, did you know Katniss used to sing in the church choir when she was younger? She was the best singer I've ever heard."

"He's just saying that," I say softly, but Peeta shakes his head. "You're all a million times better."

One little boy in the front with curly blonde hair that strangely resembles Peeta raises his hand. "Uncle Peeta, can she sing for us?"

"You want me to sing?" I ask. The last time I sang was at my father's funeral. I'm not sure I even remember how to sing. If that makes any sense. All the kids are looking at me with such hope in their eyes that I would feel terrible disappointing them.

I grab a stool and sit in front of them. "Okay, this is one of my favorite songs," I explain to them. "I used to sing it with my dad all the time."

"Do you need music, Miss Katniss?" Peeta's nephew asks.

I shake my head. "I use my hands as music. Here let me show you." I begin clapping, setting the beat for my song. It's as if nothing has changed for me. The words flow from my mouth like it was yesterday."

 _I was following the pack_

 _All swallowed in their coats_

 _With scarves of red tied 'round their throats_

 _To keep their little heads_

 _From fallin' in the snow_

The lyrics are a little morbid, but the song itself is beautiful, and it's one of the first songs my father taught me. I can feel Peeta's eyes on me, watching my every move. My heart constricts in my chest, and tears well up in my eyes. I stop suddenly. "I'm sorry, guys," I apologize. "That song just makes me think of dad. I'm really sorry, but I need to get going."

I grab my stuff, wiping my eyes and heading toward the large doors. "Katniss, please just wait a second," Peeta says, grabbing my arm. "That really meant alot to me that you sang that. I know it was hard for you."

"I shouldn't have come here," I say, reaching for the handle. I thought I was ready, but maybe I'm not. "It was a mistake. This whole damn thing was a mistake."

He sighs, shaking his head. "No, it wasn't. I'm really glad you came. Katniss, I know that there's so much history between us, but I want us to be friends again. I–I think that we could be good friends."

"It was so much easier hating you. I didn't want to face everything I've been through," I sniffle. "I'm sorry that I ran away."

"It's okay. I know that was hard for you to sing again."

I shake my head. "I don't mean this time. I meant last time. When my dad died. I shouldn't have left. I was stupid. I'm sorry that I didn't come see you in the hospital. I'm sorry that I've hated you for all these years. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you here all alone."

"You're here now," he says, giving me a shy smile. "I understand why you had to leave. I get it. I'm just really glad that you came back."

I let out a shaky breath. I've had a lot of time to think about what I want and what I need to do. There's really only one solution. "I think I'm gonna stick around for a little bit. Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? We still have a lot of catching up to do."

"I'd love that."

There's still a lot of history between Peeta and me that needs to be sorted out, but this is just the beginning of hopefully something really special.


End file.
